Empress Malina: This Time, It's For Real
by Morfiwien Greenleaf
Summary: Kuzco has finally graduated from Kuzco Academy, and the first thing he plans to do is make Malina his empress.  But Malina has her heart set on going to Kuzford University and turns him down flat.  Maybe a love potion will change her mind...
1. And the Award for Empress Goes to:

_Disclaimer: I don't own Kuzco, Malina, Kronk, Yzma, etc., etc., Disney does._

XXX

The golden miniature Kuzco alarm clock clicked.

"Kuzco's graduation, Kuzco's graduation, Kuzco's graduation day is today!"

Kuzco leapt out of bed. "At last! The day I've been waiting for! Today I graduate from Kuzco Academy. Oh, yeah!"

He picked up the clock, which was still singing, and ran off to shove it into the sleeping faces of Chaca, Tipo, Chicha and Pacha.

XXX

Kuzco's clock was still singing as the family ate breakfast.

"So, now that you're graduating, you get to be emperor again," said Pacha, attempting to talk over the noise.

"What?" asked Kuzco, nodding his head in time with the music.

"Now that you're graduating, you get to be emperor again!"

"Huh? Didn't catch that," said Kuzco.

"NOW THAT YOU'RE GRADUATING, YOU GET TO BE EMPEROR AGAIN!"

Kuzco shrugged. "Sorry, no comprendo."

"At least he'll finally move back to the palace," muttered Chaca.

Kuzco instantly shut the clock off. "What was that?" he said suspiciously.

"She said we'd all be happy to help you move back to the palace," laughed Pacha, trying to cover up for his daughter's rudeness. "When you're ready, of course."

Kuzco relaxed. "Right. And speaking of which, I know what my first act as emperor will be."

"New plows for next planting season?" guessed Pacha hopefully.

"No," said Kuzco, looking at him as if he had grown six heads.

"Repair the roof of the daycare?" asked Chicha.

"No. Try again."

"Forty acres and a llama for each able-bodied townsperson?" Pacha tried again.

Kuzco tried not to roll his eyes. "No, but those were all really good guesses," he said sarcastically.

"Then what?"

"I choose my empress, of course!"

Pacha and Chicha exchanged a look.

"Oh really?" asked Pacha.

"Yep! Right after the graduation ceremony, I'll make it legal. Signed, sealed, finito."

"Who's going to be your empress?" asked Chaca.

"Malina, of course! She is such a hottie hot hottie."

Chaca and Tipo burst into laughter. Chicha and Pacha hid their smiles behind their hands.

"What?" asked Kuzco.

"Does Malina, uh, know about this?" asked Pacha, trying not to laugh.

"Nope, it's going to be a surprise," said Kuzco. "She'll love it!" With that, he marched triumphantly off to school in order to make some last-minute additions to his plans. Chaca and Tipo, not wanting to miss out on the fun, followed behind.

Chicha smiled and shook her head. "That poor girl won't know what hit her."

Pacha shrugged. "Who knows? Maybe she'll say yes."

They looked at each other and started laughing.

XXX

The students had just received their diplomas and Principal Amzy was about to make a speech when they were all deafened by a blast of horns.

"Kuzco will now select his empress!" announced the royal record keeper.

Malina, who was sitting in the fourth row, froze. "Oh no…."

With great fanfare, Kuzco, clothed in his emperor's robes, strode to the podium and hustled Principal Amzy, who was barely containing her anger at being interrupted, to the side.

"Hellooo, ladies!"

The audience stared at him dumbly.

"Now, I know that you're all thinking, which one is it? Which one of you lucky ladies will be my bride? Which one of you will get to be empress and live the life of luxury you've always dreamed about?"

A cricket chirped.

"Well, wonder no more! I choose…." And he paused dramatically.

Malina shrank into her seat, hoping he wouldn't see her. "Please not me, please not me…"

"Eeny, meenie, miney – MALINA!"

Before she could reply, several royal guards ushered her to the stage. She was presented with a bouquet of roses, a half-sun crown was placed on her head, and a sash embroidered with the words "EMPRESS MALINA" was tied around her waist.

Kuzco picked up the microphone. "Here she comes, Empress Malina!" he sang to the tune of "Miss America".

"All hail Empress Malina!" the servants cried.

"Yes, all hail EMPEROR KUZCO and Empress Malina!" said Kuzco, a bit annoyed that they had left him out of their hailing. "And to all you other ladies, sorry. But there's only one of me, and at least fifty of you. Now get out, everyone. Time for me and my empress to spend some quality time together." Kuzco winked at Malina, who was still frozen in shock.

The guards whisked everyone out, and once the gym was empty, Kuzco turned to Malina.

"So, Malina, my little smootchie pot-pie, you're my empress now. That is, once you sign the contract to make it official." He snapped his fingers, and the clerk came over and unfurled a long scroll, which fell to the floor and rolled until it came to a rest at her feet. "It's legally binding," added Kuzco with a smile.

Malina found her voice. "Kuzco, isn't this rather…sudden?"

"Sudden? Ha! I've waited for this moment for four long years! Ever since I first saw you, I knew you'd be my empress someday. And now that we've graduated and I'm emperor, there's nothing to stop me from making it official."

"Except ME, that is," said Malina.

"Huh?" asked Kuzco.

"Did you ever consider that I might have dreams of my own?" asked Malina. She took off the crown and the EMPRESS MALINA sash.

"Pshaw," said Kuzco dismissively. "What more could a girl dream of than to become MY empress?"

"Well, one of my dreams, in fact, my biggest dream, is to attend Kuzford University," said Malina. "I thought you knew this – it's all I've been talking about the past two weeks!"

Several flashbacks of Kuzco staring dreamily at Malina as she said "Kuzford University" over and over again in the halls, the cafeteria, and during class ran through Kuzco's head.

"Nope, don't remember a thing," he said, shrugging.

"Of course you don't," said Malina. "The only thing you pay attention to is yourself."

"That's not true," he began, but then he got distracted by his reflection in Malina's crown.

Malina cleared her throat to get his attention. Kuzco jumped.

"Okay, maybe you have a teeny, tiny, atom-sized point," he conceded. "But you don't even know if you've gotten into Kuzford U. yet. Being my empress is guaranteed. There was never any contest, Malina! You've been my choice from the start."

"That's very sweet," said Malina, softening a little. "But I still would rather take my chances with Kuzford U. And with my grades and well-rounded extracurriculars, it's pretty much a given that I'll be accepted, anyway."

"And Kuzford University's better than being MY empress, how?" asked Kuzco.

That was the last straw for Malina.

"Well, for one, I won't have to hang around YOU all the time!" She shoved the crown, sash and roses into Kuzco's arms and stormed out of the gym.

XXX

A week later, Kuzco was still sulking over Malina's entirely uncalled-for and completely selfish refusal of his proposal – after all, he chose her, a villager, for his bride, and he could have married a princess – when Kronk came by.

"I've been accepted to the Kuzford Culinary Institute!" Kronk said excitedly.

"Yippee," said Kuzco unenthusiastically.

"Still upset about Malina, huh?" asked Kronk sympathetically. "Well – I brought your mail for you."

Kuzco took it from him. "Pacha, Pacha, Pacha, Chicha, Tipo, Pacha…" he tossed it to the ground as he went through it. "Oooh, goody, one for me! And it's from Kuzford University."

"Kuzford U.?" asked Kronk. "I thought you weren't applying anywhere."

"I put in a last minute application. It's Malina's 'biggest dream' to attend Kuzford U.," said Kuzco, rolling his eyes. "I thought maybe if I got in, I could at least be near enough to her to convince her to change her mind about the whole 'being my empress" thing."

"Brilliant plan," said Kronk approvingly.

"Of course it is. I thought of it." Kuzco tore open the envelope. "WHAT?!"

"Uh oh," said Kronk.

"I've been put on the waiting list! Can you believe it? ME! Wait-listed! At my own University!"

"Well, your grades were only average," said Kronk, shrugging.

"You'd think that as Emperor, I'd get in on legacy alone!" cried Kuzco. He glared a few houses down at Malina's mailbox, which was overflowing with mail. "Hmph…I bet Malina got something from Kuzford U. today, and I'll bet it isn't a wait-list letter."

"Well, why don't we take her mail to her and see?" suggested Kronk.

"Nah, I've got a better idea," said Kuzco. He dashed to her mailbox and rifled through the contents until he found a big fat envelope marked "Kuzford University." Eagerly, he ripped it open. "Just as I thought," he sneered. "Accepted."

"That's great news!" said Kronk happily. "We should congratulate her. Cook her a special lunch, maybe."

"I don't think so," said Kuzco.

"I could make my famous spinach puffs…" Kronk went on.

"Forget the lunch, already!" said Kuzco. "There's nothing to celebrate. As of this second, I no longer MIGHT have no empress – I DEFINITELY have no empress! I need a plan."

"You know, Malina probably isn't going to be very happy when she finds out that you've opened her mail," Kronk pointed out.

Kuzco was about to reply when he got an idea. "That's it! Malina hasn't found out yet that she was accepted to Kuzford U."

"She'll find out when she comes out for the mail," said Kronk.

"She won't find out if we don't give her ALL of her mail," said Kuzco. "Or, even better, if we replace her acceptance letter with a rejection letter! Then she'll have no other choice, she'll have to be my empress."

Kronk blinked. "Why would we replace her acceptance letter with a rejection letter?"

"Obviously because we don't want her to find out that she's been accepted to Kuzford U."

"We don't?"

"Duh. Then she won't be my empress."

Kronk still looked confused.

Kuzco sighed. "Let me see if I can explain it so that even you can understand it." He pulled out a chart. "Malina goes to Kuzford, she's NOT my empress. Malina does not go to Kuzford, she IS my empress. See?"

The light came on. "Oh, I get it," said Kronk. "But how will we do this?"

"That's where you come in, pal," said Kuzco with a gleam in his eye. "How quickly can you forge an official-looking Kuzford University rejection letter?"

XXX

When Malina came outside to check the mail, she found that Kuzco had already taken the liberty of removing it from her mailbox and was holding it for her. She repressed a groan. _Back to try again?_ she wondered.

Kronk was with him. Malina waved hello to Kronk and gave him a genuine smile.

"Malina, guess what?" said Kronk happily. "I got accepted to Kuzford Culinary Institute!"

"Congratulations!" she said warmly. She turned and saw Kuzco. "Oh, hi," she mumbled.

"Your mail, milady," said Kuzco grandly.

"Um…thanks," she said, grabbing it from him. "Well, gotta go! See you guys later!" She zoomed back into her house.

XXX

"Wait for it…wait for it…" said Kuzco, putting his hand to his ear in anticipation.

"Wait for what?" asked Kronk, confused.

A high-pitched shriek echoed from Malina's house, and she shot back outside like a llama on fire.

"I can't believe it!" she cried.

"Woahhh, settle down, Malina," said Kuzco.

"Look at this!" She shoved the note at him. Kuzco took it from her.

"'Dear Malina, you've been rejected from Kuzford University. Sorry. Sincerely, Kuzford University.' Hmmm…it looks like you've been rejected. Tough break," said Kuzco.

"Tough break?!" said Malina. "Is that all you can say?"

"Really tough break?" Kuzco tried.

"Save your breath," said Malina.

"Well, there's always empress," said Kuzco. "Now that you won't be going to Kuzford U., I guess you really don't have any other choice."

Everything instantly became clear to her. "Wait a minute! This is another of your schemes to get me to be your empress! What did you do with the real letter from Kuzford University?"

"Real letter?" said Kuzco, playing dumb. "I don't know what you're talking about."

She turned the Malina Stare on him.

"All right, all right!" he said, cringing. He pulled the original letter from his pocket and handed it to her. She inspected it carefully. The letter was a little crumpled, but otherwise undamaged.

"See? Everything's there," said Kuzco meekly.

Malina's elation at being accepted to Kuzford University was quickly overshadowed by her anger at Kuzco's deception. "I really can't believe you, Kuzco! Forging a fake letter to make me think that Kuzford University rejected me?"

"Technically, Kronk wrote the letter," said Kuzco, pointing weakly at him.

"Leave me out of this," said Kronk, cowering. The last thing he wanted was the Malina Stare turned on him.

Kronk lucked out. "He only wrote it because you forced him to do it," said Malina, still glaring at Kuzco.

"Ummm…." said Kuzco, at a loss for words.

"I knew it!" she said. "And you know what? Even if I WAS rejected from Kuzford University, I STILL wouldn't be your empress!"

Kuzco's mouth fell open in surprise.

"If every college in the empire rejected me, I wouldn't be your empress!" she went on. "If I was forced to live in a cave and wear nothing but rags and eat nothing but rats and insects, I wouldn't be your empress! Anything, anything at all would be better than being your trophy wife! And another thing – "

XXX

Kuzco paused the scene. "Okay, I think we get the picture. Malina doesn't want to be my empress. We can just fast-forward through the rest of this."

He pressed the fast-forward button, and watched as on-screen Kuzco stared, mute with shock, at on-screen Malina, who was foaming at the mouth and flailing her arms wildly.

"Geeeeeez," said Kuzco, wincing. "At this speed, she looks like a hummingbird on crack!"

Finally, Malina stormed off-screen. "Ah, that's better," said Kuzco, relaxing. He pressed play.

XXX

"Well, that was a little awkward," said Kronk.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," said Kuzco, annoyed. He put his head in his hands. "It's worse than I thought! Malina HATES me!"

"No, she doesn't," said Kronk.

"You really think so?" Kuzco said hopefully.

Kronk nodded. "She didn't say that she hated you. She only said that she 'loathed, despised, and abhorred' you."

Kuzco shot him a death glare.

"Just repeating her words," said Kronk timidly. "Don't shoot the messenger."

"Now what?" whined Kuzco. "I'll NEVER get her to be my empress if she hates me!"

"Get her not to hate you," said Kronk helpfully.

"Thank you for your brilliant insight, genius," muttered Kuzco. He brightened. "Wait a minute! I know how to make Malina not hate me."

"Stop trying to trick her into becoming your empress, tone down the egotistical behavior a notch, and be less self-centered and more concerned about the common good?" guessed Kronk.

"No," said Kuzco, his eyes narrowing. Honestly, Kronk was such a lunkhead. "My plan is a lot better than that. And ten times easier. We need to go to Yzma's Secret Lab. And by 'we', I mean 'you'. Me no go to creepy lab of doom. Now let me tell you what you need to get –"


	2. A Disastrous Lunch

Malina was no longer angry. All the anger had drained out of her during her furious tirade at Kuzco. Now she was tired, and a little embarrassed. She hadn't meant to yell like that, but Kuzco made her so angry that sometimes she just couldn't help it. Why did she even bother with him?

Her thoughts were scattered when she saw Pacha approach. He was heading home for lunch after working in the fields all morning.

"Hello Pacha," she said gloomily.

"Hi, Malina," said Pacha. "I take it Kuzco asked you to be his empress again?" He had heard all about what happened at the graduation from Chaca and Tipo.

"No, and that's the problem. Kuzco never ASKED me to be his empress," she said. "Right from the start, he just took it for granted that I would be. That I would just drop everything and jump at him once he gave the okay."

"That sounds like Kuzco," said Pacha, hiding a smile.

"Yeah, well, I told him I had other plans. Like going to Kuzford University. So what does he do? Forces Kronk to forge a rejection and swaps it with my acceptance letter!"

"You got into Kuzford University?" asked Pacha. "Congratulations!"

Malina smiled. "Thanks. But I'm sure Kuzco is plotting at this very moment about how to prevent me from going," she said, rolling her eyes.

"He sure has gone to a lot of trouble to get you to be his empress," Pacha observed.

"He has, hasn't he?" said Malina. She had not thought much about it, but she realized it was true. "Can't think why, though. I'm not the only girl around – he could pick anyone. He could marry a princess! I don't know why he wants a villager."

Pacha smiled. "Isn't it obvious, Malina? He likes you. Something about you has caught his eye, something that he's never seen in any other girl."

"Yeah, probably the fact that I never expressed any interest in being an empress," said Malina. "Kuzco only wants me because he can't have me. If I gave even the slightest hint that I liked him, he'd lose interest immediately."

"So then you DO like him," said Pacha, grinning.

Malina clapped her hands over her mouth and felt herself blush. She hadn't meant to let that slip.

"Don't worry," said Pacha kindly. "Your secret's safe with me. I won't tell anyone."

Malina gave him a grateful look. She knew she could trust Pacha. He was so kind…If only Kuzco were half as kind as Pacha…

"So if Kuzco had asked you, instead of just taking things for granted, would your answer have been different?" asked Pacha quietly.

Malina thought about it for awhile. "No, I don't think it would be," she said. "If he was nicer, I would have confessed my feelings for him years ago. But he's so arrogant and full of himself."

"That's why he needs you, Malina," said Pacha. "You're the only one who can keep him in line."

Malina shook her head. "I've tried for years to get Kuzco to see that it's not all about HIM. But he's still as self-centered as ever."

"Well, he's not as bad as he used to be before Yzma turned him into a llama," said Pacha.

Malina smiled. "Yeah, I heard all about that story. But he's still insufferable."

"You're the only one he listens to," said Pacha. "You even got him bow to Kronk, of all people!"

"He barely dipped his head!" Malina protested, but she laughed.

Pacha laughed with her. "Yeah, but at least he did it. And thanks to you, the empire was saved. He needs you. The empire needs you."

Malina had to admit that Pacha was pretty eloquent. "Did Kuzco put you up to this?" she asked half-jokingly.

"Of course not," said Pacha, laughing. "I'm just tired of seeing him mope around. That's all he's been doing since you refused him."

"Moping, huh?" said Malina.

Pacha nodded. "It's terrible. Almost makes me miss the loud, annoying Kuzco."

"Well, perhaps I'll reconsider," said Malina thoughtfully.

"Wonderful!" said Pacha.

"But only if he asks me. In a humble manner. Which he'll never do."

"You might be surprised," said Pacha.

She shook her head sadly. "He'll never change."

"Give him time," said Pacha reassuringly. "He'll eventually come around."

"I have given him time," said Malina. "Four years. And the clock is almost down to zero."

XXX

"Okay, I grabbed every love potion I could find," said Kronk. He held out a vial.

Kuzco eagerly grabbed it. "What? That's it? One vial?"

Kronk shrugged. "Yzma says she doesn't have much use for love potions."

"Yeah, I suppose she was always able to get by on her beauty and charm," said Kuzco sarcastically. He shuddered at the mental picture of Yzma trying to seduce someone. "Okay, THERE'S a sentence that I never should have said, even sarcastically! Ick, ick ick! Make it go away! Make it go away!" He ran around in circles, slapping his head frantically.

Kronk held up a picture of Malina in her cheerleader outfit. Kuzco instantly reverted back to normal.

"Whew, thanks Kronk," said Kuzco, relieved. He wiped his forehead with his hand. "That was a close one! Now let's get on with my plan."

At that moment, Kronk's brain caught up to Kuzco's sarcastic retort and he got the mental picture of Yzma trying to seduce someone. Kronk ran out of the room screaming.

"Make it didn't happen! Make it didn't happen!"

Kuzco sighed. This might not be as easy as he thought.

XXX

"So, what's the plan again?" asked Kronk once he had calmed down.

Kuzco sighed. How many times did he have to go through this? "It's easy. I invite Malina to lunch to 'celebrate her acceptance to Kuzford University'. You will make the lunch."

"Great!" said Kronk brightly. "I was thinking we could start with a nice mixed-greens salad, followed by a hearty lobster bisque, and then – "

"Yeah, that's nice," said Kuzco dismissively. "Now what I need you to do is – " and he whispered the plan into Kronk's ear. "Once you do that, Malina will fall head-over-heels in love with me, forget all about stupid Kuzford University, and become my empress."

"Can I cook the wedding feast and bake the cake?" asked Kronk excitedly.

"Sure, whatever," said Kuzco. "But first help me get Malina to be my empress. Then we'll talk about catering for the wedding."

XXX

Malina, who had continued walking by herself after Pacha had left her, groaned when she saw Kuzco approach.

"What do you want now, Kuzco?" she asked wearily. "Going to try to get me to fall for another of your little schemes to make me your empress?"

"You mistake me, Malina," said Kuzco, offended. "All I wanted to do was to get your mail for you. Can't a person do a favor for his friend?"

"You only do favors for someone if there's something in it for you," she said.

"Of course. Isn't that what a favor is?" asked Kuzco.

Malina sighed. "Never mind."

"Well, moving along, I came to invite you to eat lunch with me," said Kuzco.

"And me," put in Kronk.

"Fine. And Kronk," said Kuzco. "I sort of wanted to apologize about earlier and, um, celebrate your acceptance to Kuzford U."

Malina's stomach growled. "Well, I am kind of hungry," she admitted.

Kuzco's face lit up. "Great! Right this way!"

_He looks far too happy for someone who's supposedly been moping around_, thought Malina. _I wonder what he's up to now?_

XXX

Malina and Kuzco sat at opposite ends of a large table that had been set up in the gymnasium at Kuzco Academy, per Kuzco's orders. Kronk was busy in the cafeteria kitchen, making sure that his spinach puffs didn't burn. So Malina and Kuzco were alone, for the moment.

They didn't say much – they were both feeling a bit awkward about what had happened earlier.

"Sooooo….Malina," Kuzco began.

"Yes, Kuzco?"

Kuzco came right to the point. "Do you really 'loathe, despise, and abhor' me?"

Malina sighed. "Of course not, Kuzco."

"Aha! I knew it!" he said triumphantly. "You DO like me!"

"As a FRIEND," she said firmly. "And I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier. I guess I just kinda freaked out when I thought I was rejected – getting into Kuzford University really means a lot to me."

"I know," muttered Kuzco, rolling his eyes. Enough already with Kuzford University! Is that all she could talk about? If he had known Malina was going to go so gaga over it, he never would have paid for it to be established.

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that," said Malina, glaring at him.

"I know!" he said in a much more cheerful voice. "Which is why I'd like to propose a toast. Hey, Kronk! Could you bring me and the lady some wine?"

"Coming right up!" Kronk rushed out of the kitchen with two goblets filled to the brim with jewel-red liquid.

"To Malina!" said Kuzco. "Bottoms up!" He drained his glass in a single gulp. "Mmmm, tasty."

Malina looked suspiciously at her wine. Did Kuzco have Kronk spike her drink with something?

Kuzco looked questioningly at her. "Everything okay down there?"

"Fine!" said Malina with a big grin. "Why do you ask?"

"You're not drinking your wine."

"Oh! Well, I'm not really a big fan of wine," she lied.

"You've got to at least try it," Kuzco insisted. "After I went to all this trouble for you. I'll have you know that getting the gym reserved for this lunch wasn't easy, even if I do own the school."

"All right, if you insist," she said. She put the goblet to her lips and pretended to taste the wine. "Mmmmm. It's good."

"Isn't it, though?" Kuzco waved his empty goblet. "Hey Kronk, be a pal – get me some more wine?"

As Kuzco watched Kronk scurry over and pour him another glass, Malina put her hand to her lips where the wine had touched them. She breathed a sigh of relief – they were still there, and they hadn't turned into anything weird.

Perhaps the wine was okay. After all, she'd eaten the salad, and the soup, and nothing had happened. But Kuzco had made such a big deal over it…she'd avoid just to be on the safe side, even if it meant she'd have to go thirsty.

But once again, Kuzco noticed. "Problem with the wine, Malina?"

"I'm just not that thirsty," she said. "What's the big deal? Why are you so eager that I drink the stupid wine?"

"Hey, whoa, settle down, Malina!" said Kuzco. "Who said there was a biggety-big deal about the wine? Not me. Unless…you think I spiked it, don't you?" He gave her an accusing glare.

"No, of course not!" she lied.

"Come on, Malina," said Kuzco, putting his hands on his hips. "I'm not stupid. You think I did something to it!"

"Okay, maybe I do," she admitted.

Kuzco looked very offended.

"Well, do you blame me after the 'rejection letter' stunt you pulled?" she asked.

"Oh, sure, bring up ancient history," he sniffed, crossing his arms and sticking his nose into the air.

"Ancient history? That was this morning!"

"Yes, and 'this morning' was over an hour ago. At least."

Malina raised her eyebrows disbelievingly.

"You're not going to believe me until I prove it, are you?" he sighed.

She shook her head.

"All right, fine," said Kuzco, uncrossing his arms. He stood up and walked over to where she was sitting. Before she could say anything, Kuzco picked up her wine goblet and took a very long swig.

"There," he said, and put the goblet back down on the table. He stood in front of her for a few moments, and then said, "Now, am I still Kuzco?"

"Yes," said Malina.

"Do I have any toucan beaks, rabbit ears, frog legs, bug antennae, or other animal parts that don't belong?"

"No," said Malina sheepishly. Figures that the one time she didn't trust him, he hadn't done anything wrong.

"See? I told you," Kuzco said, vindicated. He turned his back to her and said in a maudlin, weepy voice, "After I go to all this trouble for you, I get unfairly accused..." He put his head in his hands.

"Listen, Kuzco, I'm sorry," said Malina, feeling guilty.

"Forget about it," he said, still overly weepy. "I know you really don't care."

"Yes, I do," said Malina, her guilt fading fast. She truly was sorry, but if he didn't stop milking this for all it was worth, she was going to hit him. She looked around for Kronk so she could get a fresh goblet of wine, but he seemed to have disappeared.

"I even got you a present!" Kuzco went on. "But if this is my thanks…"

Malina's curiosity was instantly piqued. "Present?"

"Yes, present," said Kuzco. "But you don't want it, you don't TRUST me…"

"Kuzco, snap out of it!" said Malina, giving him a smack.

Kuzco dropped the act. "Owww, you really hurt," he said, putting his hand to his cheek. "Maybe I don't want to give you a present after all."

She gave him the Malina Stare.

"Oh, all right," he said, cowering. He motioned to the guards to bring in Malina's present.

The crate that held Malina's gift was very large and very heavy. Four guards carried it in, grunting, and dropped it to the floor with a thump.

"What on earth did you get me?" asked Malina. "A block of lead?"

"Ha, ha," said Kuzco sarcastically. "Why don't you open it and see, Miss Smarty-pants?"

Malina stood on the step-ladder than had been handily provided and pried open the crate. Before she could look inside, however, Kronk popped up and sprayed her with a face-full of potion.

"What the…!" Malina started coughing, and when the smoke faded, she went into a trance-like state. A dreamy smile spread across her face.

"It worked!" cried Kuzco triumphantly. "She is totally gone." He waved his hand in front of her and she didn't move. "Yup. Complete space cadet."

"High-five!" said Kronk, raising his hand.

Kuzco gave him a withering look. "I don't DO 'high-five'.

Kronk lowered his hand sheepishly.

"And give me that potion!" Kuzco said, snatching it from Kronk. "I might need this later, to refresh the spell." He pocketed the potion and turned his attention to Malina. "So my little schmoompsie-pooh, how do you feel about being my empress now?"

Malina ignored him and continued to stare dreamily ahead. To Kuzco's horror, she was staring at Kronk. Kuzco glared at him. How dare Kronk steal Malina from him!

Kronk became conscious of both of them staring at him. "What? Do I have spinach in my teeth?"

"Kronk…did anyone ever tell you how handsome you are?" asked Malina.

"Not that I can remember," said Kronk honestly. "Oh, wait! Yes they have. Second grade. Zola Guacamano. She passed me a note in class that said 'Kronk you are handsome'. But the teacher caught us and we both got in trouble. I was whipped, and she was sent to a convent. Very strict religious school, you know. I never saw her again. Good times."

Kuzco looked at Kronk like he was nuts, but Malina laughed and walked up to him. "Well, you are VERY handsome," she purred. "And those muscles! May I touch?"

"Malina!" cried Kuzco, devastated.

"Oh, hi Kuzco," said Malina vaguely, barely turning her head. "I didn't see you there."

"You're supposed to be drooling over ME, not him!" said Kuzco.

Malina started laughing. "You?! You can't hold a candle to my darling little Kronkie."

"Darling little Kronkie!?" Kuzco made gagging noises.

"Uh, Malina," said Kronk, trying to dodge her attempts to feel his biceps, "I'm flattered, but I only like you as a friend."

Malina's eyes watered and her lower lip trembled. "Oh, please give me a chance, Kronk! I just know we're meant to be."

"Well…" said Kronk, considering it.

"Don't even think about it," said Kuzco threateningly, giving him a death glare.

Kronk snapped out of it. "It's a very tempting offer. But frankly, I just don't see it working out between us. There's Kuzco's feelings to consider, and anyway, it'll be kind of hard to maintain a long distance relationship when I go to Kuzford Culinary Institute and you go to Kuzford University."

"I'll transfer!" said Malina instantly. "I'd follow you anywhere. Me, at Kuzford Culinary Institute with you – we'll be together forever!"

"Forever?" asked Kronk nervously. "Well…uh…I…uh…I think I left the spinach puffs in the oven for too long! Bye!" He ran out of the room.

"No, Kronkie! Don't leave me!" cried Malina. She tried to go after him, but Kuzco restrained her.

"Let me go!" she said, struggling furiously.

"No, you're not in your right mind!" said Kuzco, just barely managing to keep hold of her.

"How dare you!" She slapped him across the face.

"OWWW!" Kuzco was forced to let go of her, and she instantly ran off to hunt Kronk down.

"Well, I don't see how things possibly could get worse for me," he said dejectedly.

Kuzco heard cackling coming from a dimly-lit corner of the gym.

"Scratch that," he sighed, and turned to see Yzma standing there.


	3. Kuzco's First Kiss

"Well, well, well," Yzma purred. "Looks like your brilliant plan has backfired. Malina is now in love with Kronk! Ahhahahahahahhh!"

"Thank you for the insightful recap of the situation, Miss Van Wrinkle," said Kuzco sarcastically. "Now, are you going to tell me what you want, or are you just going to stand there and cackle until you shrivel up? I'm kinda busy right now."

"You didn't just spray Malina with any love potion, it's a desperate love potion!" crowed Yzma. "And since Kronk was the one who administered the potion, he was the one who Malina fell in love with!"

"Yeah, I sort of guessed that," said Kuzco. "Especially when Malina said she'd give up her biggety-big dream of going to Kuzford U. to be with Kronk. Kronk! She was supposed to give up her dream for ME."

"She still can, you know," said Yzma. "If you make ME empress!"

"Yeah, I'm sure no one saw THIS coming," muttered Kuzco. He shrugged. "Well, anything to get Malina back. So what have you got for me?"

"I make Malina fall OUT of love with Kronk and IN love with you," suggested Yzma.

"Using 'desperate' love potion?" asked Kuzco. "Can you make anything else?"

"Nope. That's all I've got," said Yzma. "Take it or leave it."

Kuzco considered it. "Nah. I don't like Malina as much when she's under the influence of 'desperate' love potion. Too clingy. Got any other solutions?"

"I'll get Malina to fall OUT of love with Kronk," Yzma said. "Then you're free to pursue her any way you like."

"Deal!" said Kuzco. "So then, I Kuzco, hereby declare Yzma empress…" He stopped.

"Go on!" said Yzma impatiently.

Kuzco looked around. "I'm just surprised there's no protest about this."

The royal record keeper shrugged. "You've handed your empire to Yzma so many times, and gotten it back pretty quickly. I don't see why this time will be any different."

"Oh, don't count on it, little man," crowed Yzma. "This time I've finally won!"

"Ah, ah, ah!" said Kuzco, waving his finger at her. "You're not quite off the hook yet. You have to give me the antidote to the love potion."

She grinned evilly. "There is no antidote."

"WHAT?!" cried Kuzco.

"It doesn't NEED an antidote. It's a very fast-acting potion. Side effects may include headache and nausea."

Kuzco stared at her in disbelief.

"Now you see why I don't make love potions. It never was my strong point." Yzma looked at her watch. "You drenched Malina with love potion exactly fourteen minutes and fifty-nine seconds ago. That means the potion should wear off right about…now!" Her watch dinged.

"That's your help? I traded the empire for this?" cried Kuzco. "What a gyp!"

"Let the buyer beware," sniffed Yzma.

"KUZCO!!" Malina stood in the doorway, her fists clenched, her face red.

"Yipe! What do I do now?" he appealed to Yzma.

"Tell her to take two aspirins and call me in the morning," laughed Yzma. "Ta ta! I have an empire to run." She flounced off.

Kuzco turned to face a very angry Malina. "Uh, hey Malina. You're looking well…" he said, smiling weakly.

"You made me make a fool of myself!" she cried. "I'll never be able to look Kronk in the eye again!"

"It's not my fault!" he said. "The potion was defective. You were supposed to be making a fool of yourself over ME!"

"At least I escaped THAT horror," said Malina. She sighed, exasperated. "Will you stop at NOTHING to make me your empress?"

"The answer to that is yes…except for the fact you can't be my empress now," said Kuzco miserably. "When I asked Yzma how to get you back to your normal self, she made me make HER empress in exchange for her help. So Emperor Kuzco is no more. I've lost everything. I hope you're happy."

"Serves you right! And if you think – " she stopped mid-sentence. "Wait a minute. You LOST your empire? To Yzma??"

"Yeah, I just SAID that. Weren't you paying attention?"

"Well, don't just stand there! We've got to get it back!" She grabbed his hand and started to pull him out of the gym.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on there a second!" said Kuzco, stopping in his tracks. "One minute you're mad at me for trying to make you empress, the next minute you'll stop at nothing to help me get my empire back? What's the deal?"

"There is no deal. But we've got to hurry before it's too late!" She started to drag him along.

Kuzco dug his heels into the ground. "I'm not going anywhere until you explain something to me." He grabbed her other hand and turned her until she was facing him. "Over the past four years, you've done nothing but make sure I don't flunk out of Kuzco Academy, or do anything else to lose my empire. You've gone above and beyond what a mere friend would do. There IS a deal, and I'm not moving until you tell me what it is!"

Malina was at a loss for words.

"It's up to you, Malina," said Kuzco. "You can tell me the truth and we can go get my empire back, or we can stand here until Yzma brings the apocalypse down on us. What's it going to be?"

"The truth?" she stalled, but she knew that her cover was about to be blown. Kuzco was standing very close to her, his hands firmly over hers, their eyes locked. At this point, it would be easier to kiss him than to lie to him. And after four long years of fighting him off, she'd had enough.

She was about to tell him everything when Kuzco spoke. "Yes, the truth, Malina. You like me. You've always liked me. Once you admit it, I can make you my empress – once we get my empire back, of course – and then we can all get on with our lives."

He spoke with such arrogant assurance that the words died on her tongue. He could never know. Malina was sad, but relieved. She was herself again. The spell had been broken. She could look into Kuzco's eyes and tell the biggest lie of her life without trembling.

Malina smiled. "You want to know what the deal is?"

"Uh, yeah. I just SAID I did," said Kuzco expectantly.

Malina leaned closer. "Do you really want to know what the deal is?"

Kuzco was captivated. "Uh huh…"

Malina leaned even closer. Their noses were practically touching. "Well, I'll tell you," she whispered. "Between you and Yzma, you are the lesser of the two evils. Despite your self-centeredness, your egotistic behavior, and the fact that you think everything begins and ends with you, you are still a better ruler than Yzma."

She had done it, she knew, and done it well. Kuzco stepped back, subdued. "So that's the truth, huh? The entire truth."

"It is," she said.

He was crestfallen. "I see."

"Now you know," she said, keeping any sadness from creeping into her voice. "So let's stop wasting time and go get your empire back."

"I guess we could do that," said Kuzco, trying to sound cheerful. "But how are we going to do it? I've been plotting all day and I've got no ideas left."

Malina smiled mischievously. "Do you still have that love potion?"

XXX

"Oh no. No. Nononononono. Uh-uh. Not at chance," said Kuzco flatly, after Malina explained her plan.

"It's only for fifteen minutes," she said. "Just long enough for you to get her to make you emperor again."

"I'm not making Yzma fall in love with me!" Kuzco said.

"It's the only way! You'll never get her to willingly give up the empire, so you have to trick her into doing it. The easiest and most efficient way is to use the love potion."

"No!" said Kuzco, annoyed. "I saw how you ran after Kronk. Who knows what Yzma would do to me under the influence?" He shuddered. "Eww. She might try to TOUCH me."

"Do you want your empire back or not?" asked Malina.

Kuzco sighed irritably, as if Malina was the most unreasonable person in the world. "Fine. But you owe me big for this."

"I owe YOU? Let's talk about what YOU owe ME for making me fall in love with Kronk," said Malina ominously. "And for writing a fake rejection letter, and for embarrassing me in front of the whole school at our graduation ceremony…"

"Well, you don't have to be petty about it," said Kuzco, dropping the subject.

XXX

Kuzco stormed into Yzma's throne chamber, dragging a zombie-like Malina behind him.

"Why Kuzco, and Malina. What an unpleasant surprise," said Yzma, reclined regally on the throne.

"Don't 'Kuzco' me, you ripped me off!" he said angrily. "I demand satisfaction!"

"Ah, ah, ah," said Yzma, wagging her finger at him. "I will not listen to your complaint until you address me as 'Her Royal Majesty, Highest-of-the-High, Empress Yzma' and bow like a proper peasant."

"I would…well, not really…but I'm not a peasant," said Kuzco. "And you're not empress, by the way."

"Yes, I am," said Yzma, starting to get annoyed. "You made it official."

"No, you're only empress on the condition that you help me get Malina to fall OUT of love with Kronk, remember?"

"And I did," she said. "The potion wore off. I was there!"

"Uh, wrong-o," said Kuzco.

Just then, Kronk walked in with a plate of spinach puffs.

Malina's eyes lit up. "KRONKIE!!!!!"

Kronk's eyes grew as big as dinner plates. The platter of spinach puffs fell to the floor with a clatter, and he took off screaming. "HELPPPP!"

Malina chased after him. "Oh, don't leave me, Kronkie!"

"I told you, no means no!"

"See??" said Kuzco.

Yzma's mouth dropped open in shock. "But-but-but…"

"But-but-but," said Kuzco, imitating her. "But-but-but nothing. This means I'm still emperor!"

"But I SAW the potion wear off!" cried Yzma, leaping to her feet.

"Apparently it only wears off when Kronk isn't around. Then Malina goes back to normal. But if Kronk happens to come by…" He gestured to Kronk and Malina, who were running around the chamber, wrecking everything in their path.

With a quick hop, Kuzco was on the dais next to Yzma. "You weren't kidding when you said love potions weren't your strong suit." He sat on the throne. "So, no Malina, no empire."

Yzma looked angry enough to burst.

"And don't pop," said Kuzco. "I just had the throne waxed."

"Kuzco," said Yzma sweetly, trying to control her temper. "If I help you, will you give me back the empire?"

"Yeah, I might consider it," said Kuzco lazily.

"I wasn't lying to you when I told you the potion was fast-acting. The potion you used must have been defective. Do you still have it?"

Kuzco hesitated. It was now or never.

He smiled. "You're in luck. As a matter of fact, I have it with me."

"Well, give it to me!" Yzma demanded, holding out her hand.

Kuzco shrugged. "All right, if you insist." He took the vial from his pocket and, squeezing his eyes shut, sprayed her in the face.

After Yzma stopped coughing, Kuzco opened his eyes. What greeted him was the scariest thing he had ever seen – Yzma staring at him with a look of total adoration.

"So….Yzma," Kuzco said nervously.

She did the triple "I think you're the hottest thing that ever lived" eye-lash blink at him.

"Riiigght," said Kuzco. "Well, let's get this over with. I have something important to tell you. I lied to you. You're still empress. Malina's not really in love with Kronk."

If Yzma understood what Kuzco had said, she gave no indication. She just continued to stare at him like she wanted to eat him.

"Oh, dear," said the royal record keeper, depressed. "I knew it was too good to be true!"

"Hey, no worries," said Kuzco reassuringly. "I'll be emperor again before you know it. Just give me a few more seconds and everything will be all good."

"Kuzco, darling," Yzma purred, slithering closer.

"Aahh! No touchie!" cried Kuzco, cringing.

"But I can't help it," she said. She stroked his arm with the talons that she called nails.

Kuzco looked nervously around. "Uh, guards?"

"Sorry, but they can't do anything," said the royal record keeper, regretful. "We're Yzma's to command now."

"Okay, think Kuzco! Think!" he said to himself, as he dodged Yzma's caresses.

"Come on, Kuzco, you can do it!" shouted an encouraging voice.

He looked down and saw Malina, who had long stopped chasing after Kronk and was now anxiously watching him. Kronk, completely unaware of this, was still running around the room screaming.

Okay, you can do this, he said to himself. "Yzma?" he said casually.

"Yes, darling?" she trilled, batting her eyelashes.

"Could you do me a really huge favor?"

She batted her eyelashes at him again. "Anything for my little Kuzco-Wuzco."

"Good – make me emperor."

"Will you give me a kiss for it?"

"What?!" exclaimed Kuzco, repulsed. "Of course not! Are you crazy?"

"No kiss, no empire," said Yzma sweetly.

"Fine by me," said Kuzco.

"Kuzco!" shouted Malina, alarmed. She pointed to her watch. "You're running out of time! The potion's going to wear off at any moment!"

He turned to Malina. "I'm willing to do almost anything to become emperor again, but there are limits, and that's most definitely one of them!"

"Just do it, Kuzco!"

Kuzco sighed. Of course Yzma had to be difficult, even when she was desperately in love with him. He turned to her. "Fine! You can have your stupid kiss if you make me emperor again."

"Done!" cried Yzma. "And now for my kiss!" She lunged at him.

"GUARDS!" shouted Kuzco. But they were too far away; they'd never reach him in time.

He started to panic. _My first kiss from a woman, and it's going to be from YZMA, of all people!_

This thought, as well as grossing him out, filled him with determination. "My first kiss is NOT going to be from Yzma!" he said resolutely, and fought her off as hard as he could.

But the old witch was a crafty fighter, and she soon had him in an iron grip. He couldn't even turn his head.

"NOOOOOOO!" he cried as the scary, wrinkled face moved closer and closer to his. He squeezed his eyes shut and waited.

Not a moment to soon, the soldiers arrived, and Yzma was whisked away. Kuzco dared to open his eyes.

The guards were taking Yzma away, and she was fighting tooth and nail to get free. Just then, the potion wore off, and Yzma, furious at being tricked, tried even harder to get free – this time to kill instead of kiss him. But she was no match for the soldiers.

Kuzco relaxed. "Not much fun being held against your will, is it, Yzma!" he taunted.

"I'll get you for this outrage, if it's the last thing I do!" she declared as they dragged her off.

Once they were gone, Kuzco looked around the chamber. It was a wreck. Kronk was nowhere to be found – he obviously was able to find an exit.

With a nimble leap, Malina joined him on the dais.

"Wow, you have a nice view from up here," she said, peering around the chamber.

"Eh," shrugged Kuzco, depressed. "It gets old fast."

Malina looked at him curiously. Why wasn't he his old, arrogant self now that he had his empire back?

She decided to provoke him by doing something outrageous, something she knew Kuzco would be furious about.

Malina calmly walked over to the golden throne and plunked herself down in it. "Ooooh, very nice!" she said. She picked up Kuzco's crown, which was laying on one of the arms, and put it on her head. "So THIS is how it feels to be emperor."

The old Kuzco would have stormed over, plucked the crown off her head, and told her in no uncertain terms that she had crossed a line, that no one, NO ONE but him was allowed to sit in the emperor's throne and wear the emperor's crown.

Instead, Kuzco just looked sadly at her. "It suits you," he said.

Malina realized what a stupid thing she had just done. She had forgotten how hard Kuzco had tried to make her his empress. And now she was sitting on his throne, wearing his crown, making a big joke of it. Embarrassed, she took off the crown and got up.

"Well, everything's back to normal, at least," she said brightly, trying to get him to cheer up.

"Yeah, I guess so," said Kuzco unenthusiastically. "I'm emperor, Yzma is scary beyond all reason, Kronk is a meathead, and you're…going to Kuzford U." There was a wistful look in his eyes.

Malina sighed. She hated seeing him like this. And it was all her fault. If she had just told him the truth when he had asked…well, maybe she should tell him now. "That's true, I am going to Kuzford U., but…" she began.

Kuzco instantly perked up and shot over to her. "You said but. But what?"

Malina, hoping she wouldn't regret it later, took a deep breath and said, "But AFTER I get my degree, I'd be free to do other things."

"Like be my empress?" said Kuzco eagerly.

She smiled coyly. "Maybe."

"Wait a minute, what about all that 'lesser of the two evils' stuff you said earlier?" said Kuzco suspiciously.

"It was all a big fat lie," said Malina, shrugging sheepishly.

"Ha! I knew it!" said Kuzco, pumping his fist in the air triumphantly. "Well, actually, I really didn't," he said honestly. "You really had me going there for awhile."

"I know," she grinned.

"But YOU like me, you really like me!" said Kuzco, pointing a finger at her. "Malina liiikes me, Malina liiikes me, and not just as a friend," he sang. "Uh huh, uh huh, uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh."

"Are you gonna get all sappy about it?" asked Malina, putting her hands on her hips.

"Sappy? Me? Of course not!" Kuzco immediately became business-like. "So once you get your Bachelor's degree, and you become my empress – "

"Wait a minute," she interrupted him. "Who said I was going to stop at my Bachelor's? I was thinking of getting a PhD."

"A PhD?!" cried Kuzco. "That's six years!"

"Eight, actually," she corrected him. "At least."

"Eight years?! I can't wait eight years for you. I'll go crazy! Can't you just get a Bachelor's? Or even better, how about your Associate's degree? In and out in two years, then boom-bam, baby, you're my empress!"

"How about my Master's degree," she compromised. "That's only six years."

"Still too long," said Kuzco, shaking his head. "Bachelor's. That's as high as I'll go."

"Master's," she said stubbornly.

"Bachelor's," he said, just as stubbornly.

"Master's," she said. "And that's my final offer! Take it or leave it."

He looked pleadingly at her. "Bachelor's. Please, Malina?"

Malina laughed. Kuzco was begging her! There was nothing at all arrogant about his behavior now.

"All right, I'll stop at my Bachelor's," she agreed.

"I knew that'd work." Kuzco grinned. "Maybe I should've begged you down to an Associate's degree…"

"Oh, no you don't!" said Malina firmly. She offered her hand. "Come on, let's shake on it."

Kuzco gave her a look.

"What?" she asked.

"I'm going to be your future husband, and you're offering me just a handshake?" he said. "Come on, Malina! How about a little kissy-poo? Just one."

"Oh, all right," she said, pretending to be annoyed. She leaned in, planning to give him a quick peck on the cheek, but Kuzco seized his chance and kissed her full on the lips.

"There, that's MUCH better, isn't it?" grinned Kuzco. "None of that wimpy, nambly-pambly, limp-wristed handshake stuff."

It was, but Malina wouldn't have told him for the world. There was no need to swell his head even further. But Kuzco saw the truth in her eyes and, smirking triumphantly, he leaned in and kissed her again.

"Am I a better kisser than Yzma?" asked Malina mischievously.

"Okay, just stop it right there," said Kuzco. "You just ruined the whole mood. I can't kiss you now – not for at least five minutes, when I'll have forgotten you said such a vile, disgusting thing."

Malina giggled. "Well, I have to go now, anyway. It's almost dinnertime, and I've got a lot to do to get ready for Kuzford U. Speaking of which – what will you do during the four long years I'll be gone?"

"Oh, don't you worry your pretty little head about that, Malina, I've got pulllll-enty to do," said Kuzco. He sat on this throne and put his crown on. "In fact, I've got a lot of exhausting work ahead of me, cleaning up the mess that Yzma made, for starters, and getting up to speed on what's been happening in the empire during my four years at Kuzco Academy."

Kuzco gestured imperiously. Several servants started cleaning up the mess. One servant started fanning Kuzco, and another brought him a drink of water with a tiny wedge of lemon.

"See?" said Kuzco, wiping his brow. "Exhausting." He looked in his glass. "What – no ice?"

A servant immediately brought over some ice and placed it in Kuzco's glass.

"How about some water for the lady, too?" said Kuzco.

"No, that's okay," said Malina quickly. "I've got to get going."

"Okay, but don't stay away too long," said Kuzco plaintively.

"Don't worry, I won't," said Malina, feeling a warm glow.

"Good," said Kuzco, relieved. "Because I need to have you measured for your throne, crown and empress robes."

Her glow faded. Sentimental, he wasn't. But that was Kuzco for you.

Malina laughed. "Don't ever change, Kuzco," she said as she left the chamber.

"I'm all over it," Kuzco promised. He grinned. "Catch you on the flip side – Empress Malina."


End file.
